Tea-Bagging Is Back For Halo 4, But Why Not Add These Other Classy Features?

Teabagging is back in Halo 4! You heard right, wipe the fucking gunk from your ears, pigs are fucking flying outside and everything is right in the world. Arguably the most important aspect of the game, being able to embarrass strangers and most often minors in a way that combines the subtle grace of sexual harassment and rape with the edgy freshness of necrophilia all wrapped up in internet anonymity, is back according to Kotaku, and gods bless Kotaku for really digging for the tough, important stories.

Now being called the victory crouch (obviously in honor of Oceania’s decisive victory over Eurasia), defeated players will have the option to not watch their lifeless Spartan be dipped in the mouth, eyes, or ears by their opponent. Instead, they can simply respawn with a button press, the obvious N00b move.

So now that we know how 343 Industries is prioritizing its feature set for Halo 4, what other features do we think we can expect? Click through to see my predictions.

Open Racism/Sexism/Unintelligible Bullshit Mode – We all know that racial slurs, calling people “bitch,” and shouting “SHITCUNT” into your headset as loud as you can are integral parts of playing Halo multiplayer. Until now, this important gameplay aspect has been completely ignored by the development team, leaving players to their own devices. With what we are calling OPEN-RSUB mode, you can go into a game knowing that your efforts to belittle people be rewarded, including new cheevos. With 343 rewarding users for dropping multiple N-bombs, it looks like gamerscores are going to be going up up up!

Asshole by Proxy Mode – Ever get dropped from a game mid-way though and have to sit there and worry that without you, people are not going to be getting trolled and yelled at? Worry no more, with Asshole by Proxy mode the game will take care of it for you. In the case of an unexpected disconnect, computer AI will take over your character with a bot until you sign back on. The bot will not only gun down the opposition for you, but it will also teabag, shout l33t speak insults, and camp spawn points for you.

Call me Halo Mode – It’s Halo 4, but the soundtrack and ambient noise is all replaced with Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe.” Get a stealth kill, your opponent will hear “Don’t ask me I’ll never tell” whispered though there earpiece. Get a Multi Kill? “I know it’s crazy!” This just goes to further illustrate the cultural relevance 343 is baking into this title.

We talked about Halo 4, the rest of the big E3 games, and the majesty of Carly Rae Jepsen on the latest episode of our podcast. Check it out!

Protoaddict
Linguist, Archeologist, Musical Savant, Robot, Asshat. Only one of these apply to this guy. The host of the show, who also sometimes writes and makes videos!