I’m leaving you Loot Crate
Dearest Loot Crate,
It’s time we just admitted it’s not working out. I cannot keep up this charade any longer and we need to just make a clean break. When we first started our relationship so many years ago, you were new and exciting, you were different. I had never met anyone like you. Every month you brought something new and mysterious to our relationship. You liked the things I liked, we had the same tastes and style. But now I have to look back and wonder what happened to the you I fell in love with.
I’ll always fondly remember December of 2015, when you gave me a Christmas gift worth remembering. I still wear my BB-8 socks with my pixel sweater Christmas tee every year when the weather starts to get cold. It’s strange how in only a year so much could change. Hell I used to write about you all the time, but now I don’t even have the will to bother. I have enough trinkets on my shelves but you keep getting me more, and what’s worse is they are so very frequently the same thing. How many Funko Pops do I need? If that is what I wanted I would have just gone with any of the many Funko boxes, but I choose you. And also, Funko Pops SUCK. It’s the same damn thing every time. I used to think there was some kitsch to it but people are going to look back at this crap in a few years like Beanie Babies or Pet Rocks and weep at the money they wasted on Funko Pops for properties they didn’t even like.
“Let your waves crash down on me and take me away” – Yellowcard
If you really knew me, you would know I want things that have value to me. Even a little thing like the Heartstone pack you gave me so many months ago, even if it was only a dollar value, that let me know you cared. How come you never give me games any more? Where are my Magic promos, or promo figures for games I may want to try. Magic has a new set out every 3 months, have you ever tried talking to Wizards of the Coast and seeing if you could get some Loot Crate exclusive alternate art promo card or something, or were you too busy trying to figure out how you could stuff another Mega Man thing down my throat.
Lately all you try to do is dress me in clothing that, if you really knew me, you would know I didn’t like. A World of Warcraft movie shirt? A Walking Dead shirt? I haven’t watched that show since season one, why would you ever think I would like that? To make it worse I know your just doing it because it’s trendy, because whenever I go to the comic shop or the game store to play Magic, I see a bunch of other people wearing the exact same thing you got me. I can only imagine what PAXEast is going to be like. I don’t think I can wear anything you got me.
“I want to thank you for being a part of my forget-me-nots and marigolds” – Motion City Soundtrack
What’s worse though is how every time we talk, you try to get me to spend more money on you. You’re always trying to get me to pay for your friends Loot Crate Gaming, Anime, and DX, trying to convince me like I am missing out on something. I don’t know what kind of guy you think I am, and maybe when I was younger and more rambunctious I would have been into that sorta thing, but I was with you back when it was just you and I have been faithful the whole time. How do you think it makes me feel every time you tell me how much better these other boxes are? Where is the reward for my commitment? Because it seems like my reward is just you trying to make me feel like you are inadequate.
Hell, if I didn’t know better I would think most of the things you have provided to me over the years were actually hollow marketing ploys that you were making me pay for instead of cool, curated gifts you discovered. I mean a lesser man would not recognize you were just being timely by giving me a Warcraft Movie shirt and instead think of it being a promotional item that Blizzard probably paid you for. I mean, it would strike me funny to think Disney would pay you to promote Star Wars, when we all know I was going to see it anyway right?
“I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you” – Bright Eyes
Look, I want to be constructive here, and I am sure you will find someone else who is more into the stuff I am not. You’re not some irredeemable monster or something, you do plenty of good. The pins you have been making lately are top notch and I think you should keep that up. Pins are a thing now. Plus you know how to wrap a gift like no one else. And when your not dragging your entourage around trying to get me to pay for them, you’re not greedy, you are a pretty cheap date (in a good way). But we have to be honest here and just cut it off. It’s over. We can still be friends, I am sure I’ll see you at the conventions I go to, hell I think you’ll be next to impossible to ignore frankly, but it’s time we said our goodbyes and moved on. It’ll be hard not hearing from you monthly, but alas it is time. Remember me fondly, and remember the good times. I will.