Instant reactions to the Puzzle and Dragons anime

It is no secret I have bad taste in games, and I happen to play Puzzle and Dragons. That title alone should bother you because of grammar, as there both puzzleS in the game as well as multiple dragons, and then when you get into it the game is really not about dragons at all. But I guess Pokemon and puzzles was a copyright issue, and Puzzlemon is probable a Chinese app store fake already.

So I found me a copy of the first episode of the new Puzzle and Dragons Cross anime with subs. It is also no secret I usually hate anime, but I feel like this is either going to be a gem or a god damn unmitigated disaster so I decided what I am going to do is this. I’m predicting a Pokemon Yugioh hybrid, but likely with some sorta really uncomfortable Japanese female subjugation added to it.

I am going to watch the entire thing and write what I am feeling at the moments they happen in this post. It’s not live because I do not type that fast, instead I am going to pause the show, write, continue until I get though this, then rapidly post it with hopefully minimal typos and swearing. Away we go:


00:00

Before the anime even starts, this “free anime site” that I got linked to on a forum page has SO MUCH CLICK BAIT PORN ON IT. This is a children’s show damn it. I think. I mean I am 34 but fuck off.


00:50

Pad Anime 1

This is a tank shooting at a dragon. I cannot identify what dragon off hand, but I can assure you the game has not had tanks and soldiers in it before. Not what I expected so far.


01:29

Padanime2

-5 points for bullshit anime nonsense words. Where is the pro-rave device?


02:22 

Padanime3

Thanks Japan. In the cradle of human technology for reminding me that a dragon, a wizard looking guy, and a kawaii monster need a radio with an exposed antenna. How much you wanna bet in a few moments they are going to be using anti-rave beams to capture spirits inside magical lockets or some shit.


04:04

Padanime4

Fuck you and your fucking hair Japan. Faith in you after this = Zero.

THIS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER.


08:08

Padanime5

There is something poetic about this frame with that subtitle.


11:12

Apparently in this show Pokemon trainers are called Dragon callers.


14:58

Padanime6

How is that not a broken wrist?


15:23

The way they explained the “Puzzle” element of Puzzle and Dragons so far is that there are things called drops that only some people can see I guess. So it’s Pokemon but with some chosen one Harry Potter stuff. I GUESS?


16:17

Padanime7

Another -5 points for redundant phrasing. Physically attack with live rounds, as opposed to spiritually assault with phantom ammo I guess?


17:35

Back at the opening scene. Story telling device or cheap method to save on animation costs? You decide.


19:04

Padanime8

And there is your pokeball ladies and gents.


21:02

Our hero just made water power appear. Chosen One status confirmed.


21:24

Padanime9

“Subtly? Subtly is for Sissies and Babies! We are an Anime based on a match 3 mobile game damn it and we are going to own that fact. You don’t like that fact I will 7 combo your ass out of here you fucking Nancy!” – Actual quote from one of the creative directors during script writing session. It sounds much better better in Japanese.

This makes me so excited to see what a Killer Instinct anime would be like.


22:23

And then it just ends all of a sudden and there is a cutesy song and dance scene for babies.


And just like that it is over. Episode one where the show really does not accomplish anything except make me realize that anime artists are just out of new ways to draw hair. How about a hat next time Japan? A kitchy hat with some sort of frills to it instead of a hair tattoo of a 4 pointed star?

 

Protoaddict
Linguist, Archeologist, Musical Savant, Robot, Asshat. Only one of these apply to this guy. The host of the show, who also sometimes writes and makes videos!