Look at This Fucking Box Art #4: Grab Bag

We have come to that time again, the once every six months or so where I lament the fact that I have not written a LATFBA in far too long. So let’s change that.

I thought for this entry into the series, perhaps instead of focusing on one terrible piece of art, we build ourselves some sort collage of video game box art garbage. So here are the quick hits, some rapid fire what were they thinkings?

TOMMY LASORDA BASEBALL – Genesis

Insert Slim Fast joke here | Image: Wikipedia

Insert Slim Fast joke here | Image: Wikipedia

 

Seeing images like this makes you wonder what kind of approval process the MLB used to have. Did they just not want to use a photograph of Tommy? Also, how does Tommy Lasorda get his own game. What the hell was baseball like back then that Tommy was the star power you were looking to leverage to sell your game?

Everything about this box is crooked and off brand and awful. It is like the this box art looked into a fun house mirror in a haunted carnival and stayed that way. Let’s just list them all out, it’ll be easier that way:

  • The SEGA logo is crooked on his hat
  • The Genesis logo is crooked on the ball, and also gives no fucks about curvature
  • Also is that ball flying at this face or is it just hovering in space. Where is the shadow on that ball coming from? His chin(s)?
  • The games title logo is off center and weighted funny. It was also made with Microsoft Office word art, but I guess at the time that was good stuff. I am surprised it’s not in Comic Sans all things considered.
  • The front of the box uses no less than seven fonts
  • His hat is crooked on his head
  • His head is crooked with his face
  • Tommy has 17 eyelids on one side of his face
  • He is looking at the “camera” at a 15 degree angle for some reason

Baseball Legend. Tommy Lasorda.


Bomberman – TurboGrafx 16

Do not get distracted by Red, ask yourself what Blue is doing | Image: Wikipedia

Red T. Condomhead | Image: Wikipedia

I could write a whole big thing to go along with this, and it would be funny. Funny as all hell. Instead I will just pose to you a single question about this box art and I think that will suffice.

What size and shape is Bombermans head underneath that helmet?

Just roll that around in your normal, human shaped head for a bit and get back to me when you think you have the answer. Know that that answer will likely be wrong, because as long as this box art exists in a fair and just world there can be no order, no peace. As long as your answer provides comfort to you, we can pretend that it is ok and just proceed, quietly accepting that Bomberman is likely afflicted with hydrocephaly and is forced to compete in blood sports because of it.


Metro Cross – Who knows? Satan’s Asshole?

Wh... What? | Image Source: Wikipedia

Wh… What? | Image: Wikipedia

 

Fuck you, whatever time period this was, which I can only assume was the year 20XX as envisioned in a 1976 Sci-fi movie that only ever appeared on MST3k and no where else. I don’t know what this game is, I don’t know who is responsible for this, all I know is that there cannot have been a time or place where this cover was ok. Since I know nothing about this game, I am just going to write what I assume had to be the plotline below:

“Deep in the heart of the Alpha-Centurion space station at the center of the earth, the cruel overmaster Zorpal rules with an iron tentacle. Only one man with nerves of steel and a hyper sonic yodel implant is brave enough to fight back and try to rescue the enslaved Blordepod people. With his turbocharged “Wheelboard,” his magic leotard of righteousness, and a thirst for justice, Blast Lazerchop will let no one stand is his way. Radical.”

That description by the way, probably better than whatever plot line the back of this games box actually had. One day I will find the model who posed for this cover, and when I do I am going to collapse his lungs by smashing an aquarium over his head for making me see this.

That’s it for this edition of LATFBA people, see you again in, I don’t know, seven months or something?

 

Protoaddict
Linguist, Archeologist, Musical Savant, Robot, Asshat. Only one of these apply to this guy. The host of the show, who also sometimes writes and makes videos!