Facebook Ads are getting dumber

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When I first wrote Facebook Advertisers Think We’re All Assholes in December, I was intending it to be a one-off. I did not realize that Facebook would be such a venerable wellspring for badly written and poorly conceived ad units.

In the time since writing that post, I have seen ads that are on the same level intellectually and with as much inherent honesty as a punch the monkey ad, or the classic “You are viewer #XXXXX, click for a prize” ad. If you don’t believe me, keep reading!


I don't want to sound to forward, but I think these games want me to penetrate them.

I don’t want to sound to forward, but I think these games want me to penetrate them.

This ad presupposes that you have a girlfriend, so let’s assume these are targeting mostly straight men. Apparently this game is so very good, so very adult, and so completely enthralling, it will literally ruin the fulfilling sexual relationship you and your beautiful lady friend have cultivated, as you attempt to put your dick through the screen in a fit of sexual aggression.

Does the thought of having to spend money to get extra turns just make you so fucking hot that you can’t control yourself? You may be in trouble as you will need to find a way to violate this game, and you just won’t know how because the sleek, svelte design of your Macbook Air did not account for a penis port in its short sighted futuristic design. God damn Steve Jobs.

Perhaps that’s the reason you won’t see your girlfriend anymore. Maybe it is because you will want to fuck these (undoubtedly) social, micro-transaction games so much that you will injure your dick when you try to engage in coitus with your PC’s optical drive and hit the close button by accident. This would make your future sexual encounters undeniably strange and uncomfortable, as you attempt to pleasure her with the remnants of your mangled manhood. Trying to explain how you caught herpes off that old Xbox copy of Halo: Combat Evolved will seem child’s play compared to this, and you will sadly drift apart.

Finally, one day, your friends will be so worried about you, having not heard or seen from you in weeks, that they will have the authorities break into your house to find you. After a harrowing search though an unkempt apartment piled with unopened bills and rotten food, they will search the cold and uninviting basement. There you will be, game on screen, credit card in hand, having just literally bought your way to the games climax, and your own.

Or, maybe this game just has some b00bz in it.


If I believe the headline hype, this game promises at least 3 time the fun I am ready for.

If I believe the headline hype, this game promises at least 3 times the fun I am ready for.

So besides the FunX3 promise, this game promises nothing traditional.

Unconventional things like Chibi Anime characters, Naruto, Ninjas, Heros (but no villains apparently), Tosses, Instant Kills, and Consecutive Kills. None of these things have even crossed my mind before as game play elements in conventional titles. It’s like they know that whenever I play Street Fighter, I get sick and tired of the characters just standing there, looking at each other, not doing any of the above mentioned things. I am on record saying that is a huge game flaw, rendering that game unplayable. Horrible, unforgivable game design. I give it a seven out of ten (7/10).


Words escape me...

Words escape me…

I honestly cannot find a way to tell the creator of this particular ad to go fuck themselves hard enough so that it would satisfy me. You’re trying to make a serious appeal to prospective aspiring game designers (getting to that in a bit) by using an image meme (that was not particularly funny to begin with) that was originally some 600 pixels wide with a ton of detail and making it the size of a postage stamp. Fuck you.

As a sidebar, I’ve noticed a recent phenomenon. Since marketers can’t actually show real game controllers in their ads without permission, instead of creating something that looks like a real controller for a fictional game console, they have some art director who has never played a game in their life come up with a “controller” for the ad. The thing they make always has some crazy form factor that makes it look like it was not intended to be used with a human hand, or at least not one with joints that articulate inwards. The following example was an image I saw when I was at a New Jersey Walmart, late last year, trying to buy a windshield wiper for my wife’s car. The watchdogs-esque highlight box is my emphasis, just to show you the relevant part.

The person who designed this ad probably makes 6 figures a year.

The Art Director who designed this ad probably makes six figures.

Back to the issue at hand. This ads headline reads “Test & Design Video Games.” What it should say, is “Become a minimum wage QA monkey,” because no game designer worth their salt was talented enough to become a designer, yet was so lacking in inspiration that their had to be told to become one through a banner ad.

This may also be my own hang up, but when your URL has an awkwardly placed dash mark in it (like the above game-designschool), it does not exactly breed trust in a stalwart consumer such as myself. There is just something about a URL like that that screams “Help this Nigerian Prince,” to the point where I did not, nor will ever, click it for fear of what it may lead to. Probably a survey of some kind.


Check real gameplay... OK will I not

Check real gameplay… OK will I not

The title of this game is “Dawn Of Darkness ★ Glory Calling ★”, because apparently they could not call it “UnicornΩ Sunshine☀ Fuck you☢☜☊☭{};”

And that’s it, I cannot talk about these any more. If you have any other equally compelling gamer advertising materials, why not share them with us in the comments section below? Also for more rants like this, why not like us on facebook. Also, we are a podcast. Maybe you could listen to an episode.

 

Protoaddict
Linguist, Archeologist, Musical Savant, Robot, Asshat. Only one of these apply to this guy. The host of the show, who also sometimes writes and makes videos!